stuck.
i want to scream. I hate this situation more than I ever thought I would, and there is really nothing to be done about it.
I feel more….apart from him than I ever have before. He is so concerned with money, and employment (both valid concerns), but he has let those concerns get in the way of everything. I feel this huge disconnect that I really wasn’t expecting. To be honest, I feel like an afterthought. something to be dealt with at a later time and date… and it kills me. absolutely. I get your worried, but at this stage in the game, with a move-in pending… this relationship should also figure into this whole situation too i think.
I try to explain, and talk, and comfort… and I am pushed away. I know that this whole thing is not necessarily his fault, and I am not blaming all of my feelings on him…. but he sure does play the victim pretty well.
I get the job, i get the hours… i do, really! I don’t get the “obligatory” beers or golf or whatever afterwards. I have been gone for two weeks, i want nothing more than to maybe, just maybe, spend a little time with you…and it just doesn’t happen. All i wanted tonight was for you to come pick me up… and “things ran late”. I wish i could believe that, but its hard when i can smell the alcohol on your breath.
98% of my friends have left town. Its not so easy to occupy myself for days on end… alone. When my friends have jobs, and lives of their own to take care of… its just not always so easy.
I wish i could let it go. I wish that it didn’t all bother me so much… but fuck it does. I want to matter again. maybe i am being overly selfish…but maybe i’m not. i don’t know. I understand your concerns, believe me i do, but…it will all work out. if i thought this wouldn’t work out, i wouldn’t agree to it. I just wish you would believe me on this one. I just wish it would all go away.. but it won’t.
Things won’t be so easy for the next little while. I’m not really sure what is going to happen: with jobs, with money, with this relationship.
Right now, i just want to badly to leave this house, and run so far away. maybe its this situation, maybe its that the move really is looming… and i am scared shitless. i didn’t think it would scare me this much… but this is awful.
i am so overwhelmed, with so many differing and contradicting ideas, that i really don’t know what to do, or really what i am feeling.
Maybe i should not be so quick to pin blame here?
fuck i hate this.
“So you’re in love with her?’ she went on.
A word again … When the minds have learnt to mingle, when no thought is wholly one’s own, and each has taken too much of the other ever to be entirely himself alone; when one has reached the beginning of seeing with a single eye, loving with a single heart, enjoying with a single joy; when there can be moments of identity and nothing is separate save bodies that long for one another … When there is that, where is the word? There is only the inadequacy of the word that exists.
‘We love one another,’ I said.”
— John Wyndham (The Chrysalids)
Random Daze theme by Polaraul
